Shane and I are no expert campers. We like the outdoors. We have a tent that we have used. We have been camping during some pretty nasty storms. Howeva we are by no means rough and toughers. We like shower/bath houses with in walking distance. We like toilets. Our roughing it is not having tp. We do sleep in on an air mattress in a tent or now in the pop up 2inches of foam but that is it! So when the opportunity for a church family camping trip came up we were all for it. As long as we could bring our camper.
Last week we started packing the camper to get ready for a 3 day camp trip ending in a float down the Elk River. My friend Lana and I went bulk shopping the beginning of the week. We got snacks and drinks to last us all weekend. During the week I packed while Shane worked. We were ready. I took a small break when my friend Allie texted me about going and seeing the new Pirates movie. She called me square....I couldnt go with that. Everyone knows I am round! So I was up late Thursday/Friday. Got up on Friday morning around 9ish finished packing truck and camper and we were on our way. We had some friends following us down.
I think when I was a baby my mother drove me around to put me to sleep. Why you ask? Because now it seems like when we get in a car and start to drive with in a few minutes I am out of it. Shane has become accustom to it. I try to stay awake but I always tend to nod off. Makes for a horrible navigator. Shane has since invested in a GPS to help with directions. Well Sleepy the Navigator and Hailey the GPS had a difference of opinion. Shane followed mine and we ended up in Mid-Easter Oklahoma. Um which is a toll road. So all of us scrambled to look for change to pay the toll. We did eventually get down there and began to set camp.
It was hot...stinkin humid hot. The kind that if you start doing anything you are soaked with in a few minutes. So take this and add this to a camper that is closed up. All the windows are zipped up and there is no breeze coming through. It was a sweat box. Anyhow got it set got us fed and went to chat with our friends. Riley made the decision that Mommy was going to sleep with him and Daddy can sleep by himself. I thought this was a smart idea....especially with Ri not being comfortable by himself. So we all went to bed tired and hot.
We all woke up refreshed and feeling tons better. We had breakfast and immediately headed down for the river. I dont know what it is about the river. The clearness all the way down to the bottom. The current that pulls you. But it is a lovely feeling. I could live by a river and be happy. I love just sitting in it. Not swimming or anything else but just to stand there and let it rush around you. I find it totally calming!
This was Ri's second trip to the river and it took him a moment for him to get acquainted with it. The first couple of hours he would not let go of Shane and I. But eventually he let Shane swim up river with him and let him float with his floaties down to me. He loved it! He wanted to do it over and over again. We did take a break and have a lunch and then headed back to the river for more water fun! We stayed down there for hours. Till we finally had to come back up and start preparing for our pot luck with the rest of the families that came from OCC. Then we had a wonderfully prepared lesson by Melissa Leonhart. Followed with a round of "I am in the Lord's Army". Which I am pleased to say that Ri was up front demonstrating the dance steps. Then we all partook in S'mores and more chatting then off to bed. Except for Ri who got put to bed early because he was being a turkey. That little man slept from 730 pm to about 730am the next day. He slept like a rock!
We had a wake up call at 730am to wake up and get ready. Andrew Leonhart gave a wonderful prayer and we all took communion. We then prepared for our trip down river to get our boats. All of the other families but ours and Lana's took canoes. Shane, Lana, Justin, the 3 boys and I shared a raft. Now Shane and I have been on a float trip before. It was the worst 10 hrs of my life!
Before Ri, Shane and I took a float down the Huzzah. On a raft, no. On a canoe, no....but on innertubes. Again worst experience ever! It started out fine....a little bumpy because the river was low....but learned to get by. Sadly this was our first trip and didnt realize we needed to reapply and water to drink...so we didnt bring anything. We both came out of it dehydrated, sick, 3rd degree burns and just all around exhausted. When we got back to camp we crashed on our air mattresses after a shower. We slept that entire night and all the next day. Packing up and coming home sicker then dogs. We didnt want a repeat so we made sure we packed sunscreen, water and snacks.
We survived. It was bumpy again, just in certain areas it was low and it made it tough going. But other then that with four of us on and off again rowing we got 8 miles done in 6 hrs. All in all I think we had fun. Riley loved it. He played captain of the ship for awhile. Other times he leaned over the side and dipped his hands in the water. It did have its low parts but all in all was a great time.
I think after this though we have a couple of observances:
1. We need a trailer not our pop up camper.
2. We should do the canoe not the raft (still not sure of this but we will see)
3. We need more sunscreen!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Why can't I be more like that.....
Raising Riley has been the best adventure I have had. Howeva when it gets to the point discipline I am lacking!
Now going back to my childhood, I came from my mother who had no discipline to my father who had way to much. So how shall I discipline: push over or iron fist?
First I want to describe Ri. If you have never met my child or have not spent any time with him. He is a very vibrant child. He knows he is adorable and he uses it. He is smart and picks up on things very quickly. He is also very stubborn! He is much like me. I put this as a facebook status one day it is very true: They say your children are your parents payback for how you were when you were young. And for that I do apologize to my Mother! I try to redirect and it does nothing. I tell him no and he fights with me. I speak with him reasonably about what happens and he ignores me.
So here is where the title comes from. I see other Mothers that handle their children with kid gloves and the kids magically do what they say. I see mothers who can talk to their kids and they listen and do as they are asked. I wish, oh how I wish I could be more like this.
I dont want to be the mother yelling across the play ground telling her child to freeze. But I just cant get him to listen...I cant get him to listen to the niceness. The quite request to make right choices or play nicely. I have tried and tried to do it and we just can not meet in the middle. I ask him nicely put this toy in this basket and he flat out ignores me. I give him the choice we either do this or give the toy away and he just doesnt care. 'Fine Mommy throw it away'. And still I can not get him to help clean his room. I tell him that we need to go up the stairs and not the slide and he tells me but he is doing it and it turns into a battle of wills.
So I wish I could be more like my friends, I really do. I really admire my friends for their calmness during a storm or even a small rain. All I can do is keep trying and pray. I pray for strength everyday that I do not turn into my father. I love Riley and I tell him everyday that I love him and when he is good that I am very proud of him. I just get so frustrated that we can not communicate and meet an understanding with our ugly faces and yelling.
Now going back to my childhood, I came from my mother who had no discipline to my father who had way to much. So how shall I discipline: push over or iron fist?
First I want to describe Ri. If you have never met my child or have not spent any time with him. He is a very vibrant child. He knows he is adorable and he uses it. He is smart and picks up on things very quickly. He is also very stubborn! He is much like me. I put this as a facebook status one day it is very true: They say your children are your parents payback for how you were when you were young. And for that I do apologize to my Mother! I try to redirect and it does nothing. I tell him no and he fights with me. I speak with him reasonably about what happens and he ignores me.
So here is where the title comes from. I see other Mothers that handle their children with kid gloves and the kids magically do what they say. I see mothers who can talk to their kids and they listen and do as they are asked. I wish, oh how I wish I could be more like this.
I dont want to be the mother yelling across the play ground telling her child to freeze. But I just cant get him to listen...I cant get him to listen to the niceness. The quite request to make right choices or play nicely. I have tried and tried to do it and we just can not meet in the middle. I ask him nicely put this toy in this basket and he flat out ignores me. I give him the choice we either do this or give the toy away and he just doesnt care. 'Fine Mommy throw it away'. And still I can not get him to help clean his room. I tell him that we need to go up the stairs and not the slide and he tells me but he is doing it and it turns into a battle of wills.
So I wish I could be more like my friends, I really do. I really admire my friends for their calmness during a storm or even a small rain. All I can do is keep trying and pray. I pray for strength everyday that I do not turn into my father. I love Riley and I tell him everyday that I love him and when he is good that I am very proud of him. I just get so frustrated that we can not communicate and meet an understanding with our ugly faces and yelling.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Honor Thy Parents.....and other Parental Thoughts.
As Father's day approach I think of how I can celebrate my husband. The father of my precious child.
However this day also reminds me of other fathers. In the last post I said something about how some of the sermons have just made me go WoW! I will reference one on this one too. One that touched me to the point that I remember it from 3 years ago.
As I walk my path into being a better Christian, I try to obey the rules set down by our Lord. There is one though that I felt I could not follow. Honor they Mother and Father. Honoring my Mother of course. But how am I supposed to honor the man that made me feel worthless every chance he got. Really how could God ask me to honor that man. There is a couple of lessons I learned from that sermon that day an others that followed. Maybe it is not that father I should be showing honor to, but to my Heavenly Father. Ah ding ding ding....I do have a Father. One that loves me the way I am, because you see he made me this way. With all my faults, tom boy ways and just not the norm...HE LOVES ME!
Other lesson I have learned about this whole mess with my paternal father is that I have to be strong. I have to be forgiving. I have to be the one that stands and says I am here when he needs someone. I am his child whether he likes it or not. I know he will never apologize for what he has done. I have forgiven, thanks to help from a lot of therapist and really close friends. I have even told him that I forgave him and the door will always be opened. That is a lot for me. NOW I will never forget and I will never see my family or I in a situation that we are being degraded or harmed, but I will be here when he needs me.
Now on to the other Parental Thoughts....this coming from me...remember my past (again not trying to get an ah poor Jenn, just giving examples to hit the point home):
Never, I mean never take your parents for granted. You never know when they will not be there. There are so many beautiful moments that you when they are here you dont think about them but as you grow you miss those moments. I didnt have a mother to prim and prep me up for prom or my wedding. I didnt have my mother during my pregnancy tell me that it was going to be ok. I didnt have her there holding my hand as I gave birth to my son, encouraging me. I would have given everything in those moments to have my mommy.
Never end on an ugly word. I was able to tell my Mother I love her. Not so with my father, I did as much as I could, but if he believes it or not. However my Grandmothers last words to my father was that he was being a horses ass. I end every call every encounter I have with my family with "I love you". You never know what awaits you when you walk out that door and those may be the last words your loved one hears.
Dont complain about your parents....I know some parents are crazy, nit picky and just all around weird. But this is how they are....get used to it now it doesnt get any better it usually gets worse from what I have witnessed in other families. Everything they do is out of the kindness of their hearts because they love you and want the best for you. They have lived their lives and actually have some wise words.
I know this is easy for me to say I have no clue how a family works. But I know how it doesnt work. Thats for sure one good thing I got from life. I got a good clear understanding on how families should not be. I am going to try my hardest to show my son on daily basis that we have a pretty darn good family here.
However this day also reminds me of other fathers. In the last post I said something about how some of the sermons have just made me go WoW! I will reference one on this one too. One that touched me to the point that I remember it from 3 years ago.
As I walk my path into being a better Christian, I try to obey the rules set down by our Lord. There is one though that I felt I could not follow. Honor they Mother and Father. Honoring my Mother of course. But how am I supposed to honor the man that made me feel worthless every chance he got. Really how could God ask me to honor that man. There is a couple of lessons I learned from that sermon that day an others that followed. Maybe it is not that father I should be showing honor to, but to my Heavenly Father. Ah ding ding ding....I do have a Father. One that loves me the way I am, because you see he made me this way. With all my faults, tom boy ways and just not the norm...HE LOVES ME!
Other lesson I have learned about this whole mess with my paternal father is that I have to be strong. I have to be forgiving. I have to be the one that stands and says I am here when he needs someone. I am his child whether he likes it or not. I know he will never apologize for what he has done. I have forgiven, thanks to help from a lot of therapist and really close friends. I have even told him that I forgave him and the door will always be opened. That is a lot for me. NOW I will never forget and I will never see my family or I in a situation that we are being degraded or harmed, but I will be here when he needs me.
Now on to the other Parental Thoughts....this coming from me...remember my past (again not trying to get an ah poor Jenn, just giving examples to hit the point home):
Never, I mean never take your parents for granted. You never know when they will not be there. There are so many beautiful moments that you when they are here you dont think about them but as you grow you miss those moments. I didnt have a mother to prim and prep me up for prom or my wedding. I didnt have my mother during my pregnancy tell me that it was going to be ok. I didnt have her there holding my hand as I gave birth to my son, encouraging me. I would have given everything in those moments to have my mommy.
Never end on an ugly word. I was able to tell my Mother I love her. Not so with my father, I did as much as I could, but if he believes it or not. However my Grandmothers last words to my father was that he was being a horses ass. I end every call every encounter I have with my family with "I love you". You never know what awaits you when you walk out that door and those may be the last words your loved one hears.
Dont complain about your parents....I know some parents are crazy, nit picky and just all around weird. But this is how they are....get used to it now it doesnt get any better it usually gets worse from what I have witnessed in other families. Everything they do is out of the kindness of their hearts because they love you and want the best for you. They have lived their lives and actually have some wise words.
I know this is easy for me to say I have no clue how a family works. But I know how it doesnt work. Thats for sure one good thing I got from life. I got a good clear understanding on how families should not be. I am going to try my hardest to show my son on daily basis that we have a pretty darn good family here.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
And here we go again....looking for a home church...and by george we found it!
About 3 mos after Ri was born, we went to a couple more churches to see if we could find one that fit us.
Again ones that were just too much or not enough. One day as we sat out on our neighbors stoop (if you havent figured it out we spend some time out there. We love most of our neighbors, like the rest). We got into a convo with Erick and Nikki M. They told us how much they love their church and how we should come to visit.
Shane and I talked about it. We thought why not, if they like it....maybe we would. We are similar after all in a lot of ways. So we went to Olathe Christian Church the following Sunday. We were blown away by the differences. Other churches we were not even noticed. The first person we meet was a greeter, I know her face cant think of her name. She was very nice and handed us the welcome kit. The second one threw me for a loop!
Ken J. know some of you reading this will know who I am talking about. Ken came up and gave me the biggest hug I have had in my adult life that was not from my husband. At first it scared the ever living poop outta me. And then the feeling changed....I wasnt scared any more....it felt like we belonged. From this day forward I dont think I have missed one hug from Ken. If I see him I get a hug! And I love it!
So we walked and everyone welcomed us. Saying Hi or welcome to the church. Asking us questions...which kind of threw us because we were not divulging our private life that much. We met Erick's parents and got along with them swimmingly. We still sit with them if there is room....we are kind of like extended kids.
Then the sermons happened. I don't remember what exactly it was about....but it touched me. Nah it hit my like a 2X4. It made sense that we were here. The word that was being taught that day seemed to be directed solely at us. There have been a lot of sermons like this. One that I sit there and cry in the pew feeling blessed and loved by my God.
After the next few months we went to special happenings at church every Sunday...Wait...what did I just say yep every Sunday we were there. From the person that thought Sundays were 1 of the 2 days that were meant to sleep in. We decided it was time, we talked to the pastor. Very nice guy! Very down to earth, makes you feel comfortable. Had a talk went to the Higher Learning class....we sat in with the Women's Ministry, I got to meet some of the most wonderful women that first day class.
Then one day we stood in front of our family (well Shane's) and some church members including some of the Women's Ministry and declared Jesus Christ as our Savior. We were then baptized together, first me then Shane. It was the best thing we have done together!
From then on we have meet some AWESOME people...and we are still meeting them. I have meet other women that are past the season I am in that I look to for advice and admiration. There are other women that are in the same season of life that I look to for the same. Then there are other that I hope that I can be there for advice.
I can say all the women I have meet at Olathe Christian Church have touched me one way or another.
From being single mothers that are making it work to the mother of 4 that adopted another that had heath issues I admire their strength. To the mothers that could not have babies and adopted to the ones that had preemies I admire their faith and love. Now those are just to list 4, if you do not see a comparison that suits you do not doubt you have not touched my life! You have, I just dont want this post to be 100 pages long. I love you and cherish you all!
PS this is not meaning to not talk about the other men at OCC. You all have a special place in my heart too....it would just be another 100 pages....
Again ones that were just too much or not enough. One day as we sat out on our neighbors stoop (if you havent figured it out we spend some time out there. We love most of our neighbors, like the rest). We got into a convo with Erick and Nikki M. They told us how much they love their church and how we should come to visit.
Shane and I talked about it. We thought why not, if they like it....maybe we would. We are similar after all in a lot of ways. So we went to Olathe Christian Church the following Sunday. We were blown away by the differences. Other churches we were not even noticed. The first person we meet was a greeter, I know her face cant think of her name. She was very nice and handed us the welcome kit. The second one threw me for a loop!
Ken J. know some of you reading this will know who I am talking about. Ken came up and gave me the biggest hug I have had in my adult life that was not from my husband. At first it scared the ever living poop outta me. And then the feeling changed....I wasnt scared any more....it felt like we belonged. From this day forward I dont think I have missed one hug from Ken. If I see him I get a hug! And I love it!
So we walked and everyone welcomed us. Saying Hi or welcome to the church. Asking us questions...which kind of threw us because we were not divulging our private life that much. We met Erick's parents and got along with them swimmingly. We still sit with them if there is room....we are kind of like extended kids.
Then the sermons happened. I don't remember what exactly it was about....but it touched me. Nah it hit my like a 2X4. It made sense that we were here. The word that was being taught that day seemed to be directed solely at us. There have been a lot of sermons like this. One that I sit there and cry in the pew feeling blessed and loved by my God.
After the next few months we went to special happenings at church every Sunday...Wait...what did I just say yep every Sunday we were there. From the person that thought Sundays were 1 of the 2 days that were meant to sleep in. We decided it was time, we talked to the pastor. Very nice guy! Very down to earth, makes you feel comfortable. Had a talk went to the Higher Learning class....we sat in with the Women's Ministry, I got to meet some of the most wonderful women that first day class.
Then one day we stood in front of our family (well Shane's) and some church members including some of the Women's Ministry and declared Jesus Christ as our Savior. We were then baptized together, first me then Shane. It was the best thing we have done together!
From then on we have meet some AWESOME people...and we are still meeting them. I have meet other women that are past the season I am in that I look to for advice and admiration. There are other women that are in the same season of life that I look to for the same. Then there are other that I hope that I can be there for advice.
I can say all the women I have meet at Olathe Christian Church have touched me one way or another.
From being single mothers that are making it work to the mother of 4 that adopted another that had heath issues I admire their strength. To the mothers that could not have babies and adopted to the ones that had preemies I admire their faith and love. Now those are just to list 4, if you do not see a comparison that suits you do not doubt you have not touched my life! You have, I just dont want this post to be 100 pages long. I love you and cherish you all!
PS this is not meaning to not talk about the other men at OCC. You all have a special place in my heart too....it would just be another 100 pages....
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Its the day! The day I meet him.
Going to weekly exams at the end, Dr Grounds thought for sure it was any day. Well any day came and went and it was a new day. She decided that since we were so close to Christmas, she can get me in the day after my expected due day. But there was a wait list. So up until they called me December 18th at 5am, I didnt think he was ever going to come out. I was so not ready for this....so not!
We get pulled into the delivery room at Shawnee Mission and Dr Grounds determines I am at 4 cm and she is going to break my water and that should help. This was at 7:45 am. At 8:45am I had not made any change. So it was time to start the Pitocin. Every hour they would increase the does. I sat there and chatted with the nurses and watched some tv and just relaxed......this birthing baby business is nothing. Why do they always make it out like you are being ripped from top to bottom.....ahahahahahaha.....
So after hours of getting pitocin, I started to feel more and more contractions. So this is what they feel like....puhlease! Then oh at about 530ish, she increased the petocin again and told me to let her know when I was ready form my epidural. I told the nurse I was fine and no problems. This is super easy......
And then an hour after that.....SOME ONE KILL ME! The increase of pitocin all day has eventually caught up and I started having more and more painful contractions then they started piggy backing each other. So just as I was coming down from one....here comes another. I could not hit the button fast enough to tell her I wanted my epi. The nurse asked if it was ok if it was an intern that gave it to me. No problem...everyone's got to learn sometime.....
So this is my fav pregnancy story. Here I sit on the edge of the bed. Shane on one side and the nurse on the other. Contractions are back to back. I am barely getting off one before the other one is already starting. I am bent over. Shane is looking the other direction because he didnt want to see a needle go in my back. The intern is ready to put in the small needle to deaden the area. I get a couple of contractions as she inserts the needle. Knowing that there is a needle close to my spine, all I say is owowowow......if that little intern chickie did not pipe up and say please no dramatics. I look at Shane and he is looking the complete opposite direction in his own little world. This chick should be glad she had a needle in my back. After that it was bliss.
At about 7:45pm I was in full blown labor....did I know not really...I love epis. After an hour of pushing I got to meet my son.
Riley Alan Johnson was born December 18th, 2007. 8:45pm. 21inches 8lbs 7oz.
HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN...up to that point. I then looked at my husband...and at that moment I saw a side of him I never had before. The look in his eyes looking down at our son was amazing. I feel in love with him again at that moment. Not only my husband but now the father of my child!
We get pulled into the delivery room at Shawnee Mission and Dr Grounds determines I am at 4 cm and she is going to break my water and that should help. This was at 7:45 am. At 8:45am I had not made any change. So it was time to start the Pitocin. Every hour they would increase the does. I sat there and chatted with the nurses and watched some tv and just relaxed......this birthing baby business is nothing. Why do they always make it out like you are being ripped from top to bottom.....ahahahahahaha.....
So after hours of getting pitocin, I started to feel more and more contractions. So this is what they feel like....puhlease! Then oh at about 530ish, she increased the petocin again and told me to let her know when I was ready form my epidural. I told the nurse I was fine and no problems. This is super easy......
And then an hour after that.....SOME ONE KILL ME! The increase of pitocin all day has eventually caught up and I started having more and more painful contractions then they started piggy backing each other. So just as I was coming down from one....here comes another. I could not hit the button fast enough to tell her I wanted my epi. The nurse asked if it was ok if it was an intern that gave it to me. No problem...everyone's got to learn sometime.....
So this is my fav pregnancy story. Here I sit on the edge of the bed. Shane on one side and the nurse on the other. Contractions are back to back. I am barely getting off one before the other one is already starting. I am bent over. Shane is looking the other direction because he didnt want to see a needle go in my back. The intern is ready to put in the small needle to deaden the area. I get a couple of contractions as she inserts the needle. Knowing that there is a needle close to my spine, all I say is owowowow......if that little intern chickie did not pipe up and say please no dramatics. I look at Shane and he is looking the complete opposite direction in his own little world. This chick should be glad she had a needle in my back. After that it was bliss.
At about 7:45pm I was in full blown labor....did I know not really...I love epis. After an hour of pushing I got to meet my son.
Riley Alan Johnson was born December 18th, 2007. 8:45pm. 21inches 8lbs 7oz.
HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN...up to that point. I then looked at my husband...and at that moment I saw a side of him I never had before. The look in his eyes looking down at our son was amazing. I feel in love with him again at that moment. Not only my husband but now the father of my child!
Happiest 9 months of my life....
As we put the church shopping on the back burner. We decided we are going to do everything right with this kid (I know what in the heck were we thinking). We went to classes and researched the pros and cons of everything from circumcisions to plastic or glass bottles. The 9 months I was pregnant I was the happiest I have ever been.
Yes I was exhausted all the time. My back hurt....my feet hurt....I had a migraine for almost 2 whole weeks. I had to sleep in a recliner at the end. Physically I was pushed to my limit. But the mentality part of it kept me going. I walked walked and walked. Even as we got down to the date, I walked the mall almost daily. I could not wait to meet this little life form that is growing in my belly.
Not trying to take away from any other mother or rub in that I can or can't...remember I didnt think I could either.
However it is a wonderfully blessed feeling to know you are creating this perfect little being. When we heard the heart beat we both cried. When we saw him for the first time moving and jumping, we laughed that we are never going to keep up with him. When we found out it was a boy we were excited - we were not ready for the girl drama. Every mile stone was perfect....just perfect. Yes it had it ups and down, but I tried to brave through it with a smile.
I almost passed out on my second diabetes test. My arms fell asleep so I had to sleep with them up. Yes it had it downers, but this is what I wanted. This is what I wanted so bad for the last 8 years I was not going to cry about it. I loved it when I felt him for the first time, even if it was him kicking my diaphragm. I just giggled and laughed. Loving it!
Yes I was exhausted all the time. My back hurt....my feet hurt....I had a migraine for almost 2 whole weeks. I had to sleep in a recliner at the end. Physically I was pushed to my limit. But the mentality part of it kept me going. I walked walked and walked. Even as we got down to the date, I walked the mall almost daily. I could not wait to meet this little life form that is growing in my belly.
Not trying to take away from any other mother or rub in that I can or can't...remember I didnt think I could either.
However it is a wonderfully blessed feeling to know you are creating this perfect little being. When we heard the heart beat we both cried. When we saw him for the first time moving and jumping, we laughed that we are never going to keep up with him. When we found out it was a boy we were excited - we were not ready for the girl drama. Every mile stone was perfect....just perfect. Yes it had it ups and down, but I tried to brave through it with a smile.
I almost passed out on my second diabetes test. My arms fell asleep so I had to sleep with them up. Yes it had it downers, but this is what I wanted. This is what I wanted so bad for the last 8 years I was not going to cry about it. I loved it when I felt him for the first time, even if it was him kicking my diaphragm. I just giggled and laughed. Loving it!
Church Shopping
This is a horrible way to put it but really you are going in there trying them on; seeing how they fit. A then looking in the mirror to see how it changes you.
So we went to a couple of churches that were just blah blah blah. We would walk no one would notice us as possible newbies. And for anyone that is seeking God for the first time you are looking for someone that is already in that relationship that is willing to help build that bridge.
We went to big churches. We went to happy shiny churches. We went to churches that didnt really teach from the bible to churches that is all they do. While doing this while pregnant, emotions were high and I really didnt feel it. So the church shopping got put on hold for a bit.....I was getting very upset that we could not find a church that fit us. After all our wanting and looking we were still were we started.....well almost - we found out what church attributes we did not want.
So we went to a couple of churches that were just blah blah blah. We would walk no one would notice us as possible newbies. And for anyone that is seeking God for the first time you are looking for someone that is already in that relationship that is willing to help build that bridge.
We went to big churches. We went to happy shiny churches. We went to churches that didnt really teach from the bible to churches that is all they do. While doing this while pregnant, emotions were high and I really didnt feel it. So the church shopping got put on hold for a bit.....I was getting very upset that we could not find a church that fit us. After all our wanting and looking we were still were we started.....well almost - we found out what church attributes we did not want.
Operation Happy Family
From the day that my father stepped out of my life again...I decided this was going to be it. I will have a child soon and I will not subject him to the pain and hatred of my family. After the confrontation on the phone we went ahead and canceled the lunch and headed over to Shane's parents house. Somebody other then us has to be happy about this child!
So we had grab a magazine while we were out that said fun things to do with your grandchildren and headed over. We walked in and chitchatted for a bit then handed them the magazine. Dad looked at the mag and said thanks he would look it over later. They already had one grandchild from Shane's sister so he figured we got it for that reason. However Mom....being a Mom caught on like a flash of lightening. They were excited to have another grandchild on the way. My father and mother in law were very disappointed in my fathers actions. At that time all I could think of is now I am parent less. Yes I have Shane's parents but it really is not the same. I dont have my own mother to help me through the tough parts or the delivery or any of that mother/daughter stuff. I had missed it before with the whole prom thing and all that. Again my friend had a wonderful mother that made me part of their family, still not the same. Now I have lost my father. I dont have a Daddy to run to...I don't have a father to call for help....But I am bound and determine to make MY family happy!
My rules to my happy family:
1. We will not stay angry - our tempers may need a time out, but we need to talk after that.
2. No grudges - if you have something to say say it or it is going to eat at you till it is to big for us to talk about.
3. Ugliness will not be in the house. We will not call each other stupid or ourselves. We will not put down each other or ourselves (I am still fighting with the not putting yourself down)
4. No one will come between us. We are a family and we are going to stay a family. There will be no separating us. If Shane says this is how it will be, then I will be behind him all the way.
5. No hitting! Now does this including spanking...I will tell you no. There is a distinct difference between getting the crap beat out of you and a swat on the rear.
6. We all make mistakes, be up front in admitting. It just gets worse if you try to bury it.
7. Learn how to fight with each other. Need to understand what you are saying and how someone the other can take it another way. An able to admit when there is fault.
8. Pick your battles. Really we are fighting over how the towels should be folded? Or are we going to take the time for harder hitting issues.
9. Don't judge! We are all different. We look different we act different. You dont know someones journey.
10 WE NEED GOD!
So we had grab a magazine while we were out that said fun things to do with your grandchildren and headed over. We walked in and chitchatted for a bit then handed them the magazine. Dad looked at the mag and said thanks he would look it over later. They already had one grandchild from Shane's sister so he figured we got it for that reason. However Mom....being a Mom caught on like a flash of lightening. They were excited to have another grandchild on the way. My father and mother in law were very disappointed in my fathers actions. At that time all I could think of is now I am parent less. Yes I have Shane's parents but it really is not the same. I dont have my own mother to help me through the tough parts or the delivery or any of that mother/daughter stuff. I had missed it before with the whole prom thing and all that. Again my friend had a wonderful mother that made me part of their family, still not the same. Now I have lost my father. I dont have a Daddy to run to...I don't have a father to call for help....But I am bound and determine to make MY family happy!
My rules to my happy family:
1. We will not stay angry - our tempers may need a time out, but we need to talk after that.
2. No grudges - if you have something to say say it or it is going to eat at you till it is to big for us to talk about.
3. Ugliness will not be in the house. We will not call each other stupid or ourselves. We will not put down each other or ourselves (I am still fighting with the not putting yourself down)
4. No one will come between us. We are a family and we are going to stay a family. There will be no separating us. If Shane says this is how it will be, then I will be behind him all the way.
5. No hitting! Now does this including spanking...I will tell you no. There is a distinct difference between getting the crap beat out of you and a swat on the rear.
6. We all make mistakes, be up front in admitting. It just gets worse if you try to bury it.
7. Learn how to fight with each other. Need to understand what you are saying and how someone the other can take it another way. An able to admit when there is fault.
8. Pick your battles. Really we are fighting over how the towels should be folded? Or are we going to take the time for harder hitting issues.
9. Don't judge! We are all different. We look different we act different. You dont know someones journey.
10 WE NEED GOD!
Wise Mr Owl how many times can a heart be broken and put back together before it doesnt work.
When my grandmother died, I was the one that went and bought her a dress to be buried in. Not my father....not my aunt. I knew what Grandma liked and I wanted to do it. Kind of like our last shopping trip. See my grandmother was a pretty awesome grandma. I remember our first shopping trip we flew into Chicago for one day. She had me do chores around the house so I could have spending money. We went to the mall bought some clothes and came home. I loved it. So this in my eyes was my last shopping trip with Grandma.
When I brought the dress over for my Aunt to give to the funeral home. I told her that I would like to see Grandma get buried with one of her cameos. She loved her cameos and collected them.
I went through Grandma's cameos to find the one that looked great on the dress I got her. I picked one out and put it on the dress. This is all I did.
The day before our announcement/celebration lunch, I get a call from my father. I am excited. In about a day I get to tell my father he is going to be a grandpa. However he had other plans. I guess my aunt had phoned him and told him that several cameos were missing. He then begin to tell me 'I know how you are' and 'you expect things so you just take with out thinking'. He just continued on and on again. I was in the middle of Sam's club crying hysterical as my father raked me over the hot coals. Finally Shane had had enough and took the phone from me. He told my father in the calmest way that only Shane has that "this was enough". I was so angry, confused, hurt and a spectrum of feelings that I had enough. I grabbed the phone back and told him that I didn't do it and Happy Grandfathers day and hung up on him. I called him back to tell him that I will not be spoken that way again and all he had to say was "If I ever see Shane again he is dead!" I then hung up.
So I have to ask how many times can a father hurt their child without caring. Without trying to make it right. Without.....feeling. Once again my heart is shattered. The man that is my father has once again hurt me and left me wounded. How many more times can a heart be surrendered up on a skewer for the flames. How many times can it be gnashed at and ripped at. How many?!?!?!?!
When I brought the dress over for my Aunt to give to the funeral home. I told her that I would like to see Grandma get buried with one of her cameos. She loved her cameos and collected them.
I went through Grandma's cameos to find the one that looked great on the dress I got her. I picked one out and put it on the dress. This is all I did.
The day before our announcement/celebration lunch, I get a call from my father. I am excited. In about a day I get to tell my father he is going to be a grandpa. However he had other plans. I guess my aunt had phoned him and told him that several cameos were missing. He then begin to tell me 'I know how you are' and 'you expect things so you just take with out thinking'. He just continued on and on again. I was in the middle of Sam's club crying hysterical as my father raked me over the hot coals. Finally Shane had had enough and took the phone from me. He told my father in the calmest way that only Shane has that "this was enough". I was so angry, confused, hurt and a spectrum of feelings that I had enough. I grabbed the phone back and told him that I didn't do it and Happy Grandfathers day and hung up on him. I called him back to tell him that I will not be spoken that way again and all he had to say was "If I ever see Shane again he is dead!" I then hung up.
So I have to ask how many times can a father hurt their child without caring. Without trying to make it right. Without.....feeling. Once again my heart is shattered. The man that is my father has once again hurt me and left me wounded. How many more times can a heart be surrendered up on a skewer for the flames. How many times can it be gnashed at and ripped at. How many?!?!?!?!
Practical Jokers R Us.....
Well 2007 was a big year for Shane and I. Not because we just found out we were going to have a baby but we were going to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. Ten years of marriage and 12 of being together. Before we had found out about our little blessing we were planning on renewing our vows. Nothing big, just in a park or a small area.....since we eloped at the court house we wanted to make it a little special.
Now seeing as I was going to be 6 months along at that time, I didn't think I would be much in the mood to do a big ordeal. Plus I had something else that was just as special to get ready for. I wanted everything to be perfect for the little bit we were bringing into this world. We called both sets of parents (as at this point I was getting along fine with my father) to set up a lunch date. We didnt want one set to know before the other. We wanted a fun unique way of telling them about the pregnancy since we all had waited so long.
Shane and I came up with an awesome practical joke. Since we eloped and didnt get to register for wedding gifts and all that fun stuff. We thought it would be awesome if we went to Babies R Us and register for baby stuff. Then when the families came together we were going to pass out the registry and explain to them that since we didnt get wedding gifts the first time, we took it upon ourselves to give them ideas and register for things we wanted. Passing them out we were going to wait and see how long it would take them to realize that it was for a baby not a wedding........hahahahaha........ka-boom! A huge explosion happened before we could have that lunch.
Now seeing as I was going to be 6 months along at that time, I didn't think I would be much in the mood to do a big ordeal. Plus I had something else that was just as special to get ready for. I wanted everything to be perfect for the little bit we were bringing into this world. We called both sets of parents (as at this point I was getting along fine with my father) to set up a lunch date. We didnt want one set to know before the other. We wanted a fun unique way of telling them about the pregnancy since we all had waited so long.
Shane and I came up with an awesome practical joke. Since we eloped and didnt get to register for wedding gifts and all that fun stuff. We thought it would be awesome if we went to Babies R Us and register for baby stuff. Then when the families came together we were going to pass out the registry and explain to them that since we didnt get wedding gifts the first time, we took it upon ourselves to give them ideas and register for things we wanted. Passing them out we were going to wait and see how long it would take them to realize that it was for a baby not a wedding........hahahahaha........ka-boom! A huge explosion happened before we could have that lunch.
Fast Forward...March....April....May.....
Sitting on my neighbor's front porch smoking our ciggies talking about the business of our neighborhood. I was telling her (her being a nurse) how I have been breaking out and just not feeling the best.
She told me to get a test. Really couldnt be...and I told her that! It is not meant for me and Shane to be parents. Kara told me to get the test to make her happy.
Shane was out of town that week on business, so I thought no sense in telling him. After work one night I went and got a cheap little two pack test. I took it that night....negative. I called Kara up and told her it was neg. Uhm....at night....yeah she advised me it is best in the morning. I told her that if I was preggers it would show no matter what and the box said any time at day. She said to humor her and so I did. I waited 2 days and took the test again....positive....WAIT....what! Oh this is just a cheap test couldnt be right. You know like the dollar store test. Went to work thinking could it be....nah 8 yrs of wanting one....nah definitely a false positive. After work dropped into Walgreens and bought one of those super expensive actually spells out Pregnant/Not Pregnant. Friday morning I woke up thinking I just wasted all that money and Shane is going to kill me.
Not even 5 minutes I was lead into my new identity....I was going to be a mother. I sat on the bed and cried. I couldnt believe it!
Called Shane in Colorado. He couldn't really talk he was in the middle of a tour through a site. I blurted it out. I couldnt wait. All he could say is 'really?' and 'that is very cool' I think he was in a bit of shock. I went to work that day feeling the best I have ever felt.
With all this being said....I still say it is because Grandma got up there and threw a fit for this to happen.
March 17th 2007 - St Patty's Day - A New Truck and a New identity!
Shane and I have never been to a Kansas City St Patricks Day parade. First it seemed like it always landed on a week day - we had to work or second we were just too fat to do it. We, I mean me, got tired of walking got crabby and then wouldn't want to do it again.
However this year, we felt great 2 years out of surgery and we were walking over 3 miles every other day. We decided we are going to do it. We went downtown walked 5 blocks saw the parade, which was pretty cool and started back to home. We had discussed it several times in the past that there is no baby coming we should go ahead and live the way we want. Buy a bigger truck then buy a boat or camper. Live it up, travel have fun.
As we headed into Olathe, we thought we will stop at the Nissan dealership 'just to look'. There was nothing we were really interested in. So we walked down to the Toyota dealership. Looked around and out came the buzzards. So we really didnt see anything and here came the salesman. Explained to him what were looking for and they didnt have anything......we were getting ready to leave when, they told us about a SUV that was just traded yesterday - they havent even had the chance to look at it and wash it. And if we could give them a couple hours they would do so. We said sure, we had nothing better to do.
Three hours later we left our 1998 Isuzu Rodeo and walked out with a 2005 Nissan Pathfinder (which is one of the trucks we really wanted). It fell into our laps, we couldnt pass it up......yeah right......
Prayers do get answered not always the way we want.
As I have told my story I have to revisit the hate that I had in my heart.
My mother died.....why did God take away a 12 yr old girl's mother way
I was sent to my father's to live......why did God send me to live with abusers and hateful people.
I couldn't have a baby but others...crack whores and abusers were having them everyday....why did God let this happen.
At this point in our lives I was not a big fan of the big JC and his Father. I said I was Agnostic....that I believed there was a higher being but was not ready to say it was God. Honestly at this point I was blissful in the knowledge of no knowledge. I didnt pray, heck really I had not really prayed since my mother died. I didnt go to church, and really I didnt want to .... have to wake up early on a Sunday no way....thats my weekend.
When my Momma died, my Grandma Sue stepped up and really filled that spot. Grandma had smoked since she was 12, and had just quit when she was in her 50s. So 38 years of smoking caused COPD, Emphysema and a list of other health issues. January 20th she was released from the hospital, that she had gone into just a few days before because she was having a hard time breathing. She went home, got into bed. Had a conversation with my father about her toilet, in which he told her he would not come fix it and she called him a 'horse's ass' and hung up and called me to come fix it. I told her that I would be there Monday after work because we had plans that Sunday. And everything was grand.....
The next day my aunt called me because she could not get a hold of my grandmother.....I called my grandmother no answer.....I called my father. He said he would call me in a few minutes. Those few minutes were the longest minutes in my life. When he did call back, I was struck hard, Grandma had suffered a stroke sometime during the night. And she is being rushed to the hospital. My heart was ripping...tearing....dying!
We raced to the hospital and stayed there all day. My aunt made it up and we all decided to take shift on who was going to stay with her over night. My father was going to take the first one followed by me then my Aunt. At least until the finalization of the paperwork was done and she could be removed from life support - which she did not want to be on.
Shane drove me home...all the way down I35 I could not believe this was happening to me again.
I stopped.....
Dear Jesus, I know we don't talk enough. And I probably should. I am sorry I have denied you. But I ask you please....PLEASE....at this time help her! I know I have no right to ask for your help, when I have lied to myself, stated how much I hated you. But please....please....please...help her! This is not for me...I dont want her in pain. Amen.
Before we pulled off the highway my father called to tell me that she had passed on. God had answered my prayer. Mine....a heathen...a person that showed him no love in the past. God reached his hands down and held my grandmother and brought her to Him.
THANK YOU LORD!
My mother died.....why did God take away a 12 yr old girl's mother way
I was sent to my father's to live......why did God send me to live with abusers and hateful people.
I couldn't have a baby but others...crack whores and abusers were having them everyday....why did God let this happen.
At this point in our lives I was not a big fan of the big JC and his Father. I said I was Agnostic....that I believed there was a higher being but was not ready to say it was God. Honestly at this point I was blissful in the knowledge of no knowledge. I didnt pray, heck really I had not really prayed since my mother died. I didnt go to church, and really I didnt want to .... have to wake up early on a Sunday no way....thats my weekend.
When my Momma died, my Grandma Sue stepped up and really filled that spot. Grandma had smoked since she was 12, and had just quit when she was in her 50s. So 38 years of smoking caused COPD, Emphysema and a list of other health issues. January 20th she was released from the hospital, that she had gone into just a few days before because she was having a hard time breathing. She went home, got into bed. Had a conversation with my father about her toilet, in which he told her he would not come fix it and she called him a 'horse's ass' and hung up and called me to come fix it. I told her that I would be there Monday after work because we had plans that Sunday. And everything was grand.....
The next day my aunt called me because she could not get a hold of my grandmother.....I called my grandmother no answer.....I called my father. He said he would call me in a few minutes. Those few minutes were the longest minutes in my life. When he did call back, I was struck hard, Grandma had suffered a stroke sometime during the night. And she is being rushed to the hospital. My heart was ripping...tearing....dying!
We raced to the hospital and stayed there all day. My aunt made it up and we all decided to take shift on who was going to stay with her over night. My father was going to take the first one followed by me then my Aunt. At least until the finalization of the paperwork was done and she could be removed from life support - which she did not want to be on.
Shane drove me home...all the way down I35 I could not believe this was happening to me again.
I stopped.....
Dear Jesus, I know we don't talk enough. And I probably should. I am sorry I have denied you. But I ask you please....PLEASE....at this time help her! I know I have no right to ask for your help, when I have lied to myself, stated how much I hated you. But please....please....please...help her! This is not for me...I dont want her in pain. Amen.
Before we pulled off the highway my father called to tell me that she had passed on. God had answered my prayer. Mine....a heathen...a person that showed him no love in the past. God reached his hands down and held my grandmother and brought her to Him.
THANK YOU LORD!
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