Where to start.....how about with me.

This is my first attempt at blogging, so sorry if I get it wrong. 

I guess it is best to start on getting to know me, getting to know all about me.....well kind of.

I was born in Oklahoma.  I was an oopsy.  I found out that my parents got married when they found out my mother was preggers with me.  I asked my Grandmother once, does this make me a mistake.  She said no it makes me a oopsy, a blessed oopsy.  I just had to laugh.  Often later in life, I wonder if I was a mistake.  But that is for later.  My father and mother separated after being married for 5 yrs.  I don't remember much about when I was a child.  I do remember moving around a lot.  I am not sure of the reason, but I was never really able to settle with friends or school.  I remember somethings like falling out of the tire swing, being attacked by fire ants and other odd and ends things.  My 1/2 brother and sister always seemed like they were there to protect me.  However I think I was already screwed up at the word go. 

Let me back track and tell you about my mother for a bit.  When she was younger she had Scarlet Fever, causing her to have a heart condition.  So she could not do a lot.  In the summertime, she had to leave early in the morning for work and come home late so she was not sitting in traffic in the hot sun.  So either my sister or brother had to watch me or my Gram and Grandpa.  I will talk more about them later, both of them.  I remember Mommy's heart beat had an extra beat in it, and I would lay my head on her chest and listen to the melody of it.  It was a soothing beating lulling me to sleep....but turned into a nightmare.

When I was 10 she could barely keep up with my at the time misfit brother and sister let alone me.  So she and my father made a deal that I would move up here.  She was already feeling the effects of here heart giving out, and everything made her tired.  So I came to Kansas to live with my father.  Everything at the beginning seemed great.  They put me in school and I was on the honor roll the first year.  I had friends, I was happy.  Then the beating started. I could look at them side ways and get a back slap, yank on the hair or ear.  Then the emotional abuse started.  I was stupid, fat and ugly, in their eyes.  I remember we were shopping for school clothes and told my step mother I needed underwear and she yelled loudly "Where do you keep the big Bahama momma panties?", I was mortified!  She looked at me and said well if you werent so fat.  Funny thing at that time I wasn't fat.  I was very muscular and was actually OK for my height and build.  Anyhow, I begged my Mommy to let me come back down and live with her.  It was too late.  My mother went to get a valve replaced in June of 1997.  She got through the operation with a 98% chance of living.  It looked good!  Then she had a heart attack, then she had another one.  She was lost.  I lost my Mother that day, I was 12 years old.  Now I am not telling you this for you to go "Oh poor baby!".  I am giving you this information so you can understand my view points on things.

I named my blog Being Everything, because as a women you have a lot of hats to wear in your life.  First a daughter, then a sister maybe, an aunt, a mother, a grandmother...really it goes on and on.  So being everything to me is being a motherless/fatherless daughter trying to make it in the world.  A child of abuse, praying everyday that I do not let the cycle continue.  A baby sister that is really not strong enough to do anything and a big sister that has her hands tied behind her back.  An aunt.  A daughter in law that relies on her parent in laws more as parents.  A niece that is thankful for her Aunt on her mother's side and her family.  A wife that has a really screwed up background and family, and is screwed up herself, but have a man that loves me anyhow.  A MOTHER that has to remember that this is his life not mine, and he will not have a screwed up life.  He will have opportunities I didn't and he will not be in the drama of my life. 

So I think for now I will leave it at that.....oh cliff hanger....I just lost my Mommy, what is going to happen now.  Really it is a blur.....but this is for another day.  My emotions run high and I am already upset.   So until next time.